By Samantha Beesley and Carly Estlick
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mum.
At 41, starting a family was something I had wanted for a very long time. When my partner and I decided the time was right for us, we knew our journey would be different from that of many other couples. We are a same-sex couple, so donor conception and IVF would be an essential part of creating our family.
We knew it wouldn’t be straightforward. What we didn’t realise was just how much we would have to invest; physically, emotionally and financially to get there.
The beginning of our IVF journey
We weren’t entitled to NHS-funded IVF, so if we wanted to have a family, we had to fund the treatment ourselves. Financially, that meant taking out a loan. Before I could even begin treatment, I had to lose two and a half stone to meet the eligibility requirements for treatment. So I did it. I wanted to become a mum so desperately that losing the weight was simply another hurdle I was prepared to overcome. Then came the IVF itself: the injections, medication, scans, appointments and invasive procedures.
There is so much hope attached to IVF, but there is also an enormous amount of uncertainty. Every stage comes with the same question: Will this actually work?
Choosing our donor
Choosing our sperm donor was something we took incredibly seriously. We weren’t simply looking for particular physical characteristics. We wanted someone who appeared to have genuinely thought about what donating sperm meant and the potential impact it could have on the children and families created from that donation. When we read our donor’s information, we were particularly reassured by the way he appeared to have thought carefully about the implications of donating. That mattered to us. We believed we were choosing someone who had carefully considered the decision to donate and understood that his donation could ultimately help create a family. We were over the moon when we chose him.
At that point, we believed we had made a carefully considered decision about how we would build our family.
Then came the most incredible news
Our IVF cycle was a huge success.
We retrieved 17 eggs. 15 fertilised. And we eventually had 11 healthy, viable embryos suitable for freezing. We were absolutely blown away.
At 41, we knew how incredibly fortunate we were. We had gone into IVF hoping for one chance at becoming parents. Suddenly, we had 11 embryos. Eleven possibilities.
Our first embryo transfer was successful. I am now seven months pregnant with our little boy. After everything we had gone through, the weight loss, injections, medication, procedures, financial sacrifice and emotional uncertainty, we had achieved what we had dreamed about for so long. We were going to be parents. And those remaining embryos gave us something we hadn’t dared to take for granted; the possibility that, one day, our little boy could have a full genetic sibling.
We didn’t know whether we would use those embryos. We didn’t know what the future would hold. But we had the choice. And having that choice meant everything.
Then everything changed
We were recently told that our sperm donor has withdrawn his consent to the use of his sperm and the embryos created from it, and we’re still trying to process what that means. Under the current UK framework, a donor can change or withdraw their consent at any time before their sperm, eggs or embryos are used in treatment. Importantly, this remains the case even after embryos have already been created. If consent is withdrawn, the embryos cannot be used in treatment. There can be a period of up to 12 months during which embryos remain in storage following withdrawal of consent, but they cannot be used during that period. At the end of that period, they will ultimately have to perish if consent is not restored.
For us, this means that the 10 embryos we created may ultimately be lost. And that is devastating. Because when we look at those embryos, we don’t see something abstract, we see the possibility of our future family and the possibility of our little boy having a full genetic sibling.
We understand that consent matters
We want to be very clear about something. We understand why donors need to have the right to consent to the use of their genetic material, and we are not arguing that donors should simply lose that right. There may be circumstances where withdrawing consent is entirely understandable. For example, if a donor discovered that they carried a serious genetic condition and became concerned about the potential impact on future children, we would understand why that might lead them to reconsider their decision. The question we are now asking is whether the law should treat every withdrawal of consent in exactly the same way, regardless of the circumstances and regardless of the stage the family has reached.
We knew before treatment that withdrawal of consent was legally possible. But being told that something is possible and actually finding yourself in that situation are two very different things.
When embryos already exist
This is the part we are struggling with most. These aren’t simply sperm samples sitting in storage. They are 10 embryos created from my eggs and the donor’s sperm, following a significant IVF process that we funded and went through specifically to create our family. And because we are a same-sex couple, donor conception is fundamental to our ability to have biologically related children. If these embryos are lost and we want another child in the future, we would have to start again and we would need to find another donor. We would need to go through IVF again.
At 41, I have no idea whether I could produce the same number or quality of eggs again and realistically, we don’t know whether we would be able to borrow and spend another £13,000 or more trying.
So the question we are asking isn’t: “Should the donor have rights?”
We accept that he does. The question is: “Does the law have the right balance once embryos have already been created?”
Should the law give greater consideration to the interests of the intended parents once embryos have already been created and stored? Should there be greater consideration of the circumstances surrounding a withdrawal of consent? And should there be particular consideration for families like ours, where donor conception is fundamental to our ability to have biologically related children?
We don’t have the answers, but we believe these are questions worth asking. This isn’t about attacking our donor. We don’t know why our donor has withdrawn his consent, and we don’t want to speculate about his reasons. Our campaign isn’t about attacking him personally. We were told that withdrawal of consent was possible, and we understand that. What we hadn’t appreciated was what that would actually mean if it happened after embryos had already been created. We are now living the consequences of that provision. And we want to know whether other families have experienced the same thing.
This isn’t just about us
We know how incredibly lucky we are. We have been incredibly fortunate to become pregnant with our little boy from our first embryo transfer. Many people aren’t so lucky. Some go through multiple IVF cycles. Some experience failed transfers or miscarriage. Some spend years trying to create embryos that are suitable for treatment. And for same-sex couples using donor conception, there is an additional layer. Donor conception isn’t simply one option among many. For families like ours, it is fundamental to our ability to have biologically related children. If our embryos are destroyed, we don’t simply lose embryos. We potentially lose the opportunity to have another child using embryos we have already created and we would have to start again.
We have found another family facing the same situation
Initially, we thought this was simply something devastating that had happened to our family. Then we found another couple in Wales experiencing almost exactly the same situation. Their embryos are currently due to be destroyed in January 2027 and it made us realise that this isn’t just our story. If something is extremely rare, it can be easy for its consequences to remain invisible.
But for the families it does happen to, the consequences are enormous. We have now spoken to Fertility Action who are supportive of us raising awareness of this issue. They have offered to help us establish a campaign group and potentially organise an MP drop-in event if we can gather the support.
We want to find other people who have experienced the same thing. We want to hear their stories, and to understand how often this happens. And ultimately, we want to ask whether the current law needs to be reviewed.
We need your help
If you have experienced a donor withdrawing consent after embryos have already been created, please get in touch with us. A petition has already been started by the couple whose embryos are due to be destroyed in January 2027.
It has now reached 1,000 signatures, which is an incredible start.
The petition needs 10,000 signatures for the Government to issue a formal written response. At 100,000 signatures, the petition is considered for debate in Parliament.
Please sign and share the petition
We know that changing the law may be a long way off, and we know that our own situation may not be changed, but we have 10 embryos in storage that represent something incredibly important to us.
They represent choices, possibilities and the future family we dreamed of creating. We don’t want to give up on those possibilities without at least asking whether there is another way.
For us, these aren’t simply 10 embryos.
They are 10 possibilities for our family’s future.
And we hope that by telling our story, we can find other families, start a wider conversation and ultimately help determine whether the law needs to change. If you have been through something similar, please reach out. If you can help us raise awareness, please share our story.
And if you know anyone who could help – we would be incredibly grateful to hear from you.
Thank you for reading our story.
