For many couples starting treatment, initial feelings of excitement and unity may give way to feelings of estrangement, distance, guilt and feeling ‘lonely together’.
Research shows that with each consecutive unsuccessful IVF cycle couples’ distress levels increase. In a study commissioned by FNUK (2016), more than two thirds stated that infertility and unsuccessful treatment also had a detrimental impact on the quality of their relationship, with 15% reporting considerable strain or thoughts of ending their relationship. Pregnancy loss also has a detrimental impact on couples.
Particular signs your partner may be struggling include problems sleeping, mood fluctuations, changes in diet or exercise patterns, a feeling of emotional drift between
you, avoiding intimacy, overworking or an increase in the use of drugs or alcohol.
The reasons for these shifts are complex and include:
- Individual and gender differences in coping strategies. Where one person reaches out for support, the other, overwhelmed, shuts down.
- Loss of the ‘secure base’ of the couple relationship when the partner feels they can no longer soothe or protect.
- Guilt or shame about not coping means they push you away
- Your partner may ‘abandon’ the relationship emotionally in search of others to support them
- Intensity of feelings overwhelm your partner regularly and the fight-flight-freeze response to events becomes the norm.
- Repeated failed cycles lead to hopelessness and ‘learned helplessness’ deadening the
relationship.
So how can you help your partner?
- Understand that you may not be the best person to support them right now. Can you ask a friend to reach out to them instead?
- Social support really matters. Can you find tailored support for them?
- Agreeing ‘Fertility-free’ days can offer respite too for a partner who’s feeling overwhelmed by treatment or a failed cycle
- Reconnecting via shared interests may allow for vital ‘moments of meeting’ away from fertility struggles
- Time apart where you can each refuel is very important. Couples who stay the course don’t always have to be on the same page all the time!
- Finding new coping strategies – both as individuals and as a couple- also helps.
- Reaffirming the family you are to each other
- including friends who are family and pets
- And therapy too can be immensely helpful – either individually or as a couple.
Guest blog written by Julianne Boutaleb, Parenthood In Mind @parenthoodinmind
